Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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