im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I intend to get homeless drunk
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
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Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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