Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
