Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
