yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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