aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
