Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
