I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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