I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
