i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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