and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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