my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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