Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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