Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
