he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
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but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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