Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My apartment stinks of burning failure
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
