I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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