Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
