i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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