1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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