What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
