Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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