Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
