I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
