If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
