Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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