1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
