My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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