I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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