I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
