No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
