I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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