don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
