Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
