my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
