for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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