just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
