Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
