its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
