phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
