there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
