Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
