Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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