Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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