My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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