just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
