I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
