She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
