Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
