Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't deserve a penis
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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