Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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