Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
