Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
