did you get engaged???
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think your dad took our porno
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
