shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
