My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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