she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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