You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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