I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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