so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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