I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
