I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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